"Mom, when are you going to adopt me?" This was how a conversation with Ben started at 7:15 a.m. in the car on the way to daycare. I never quite anticipated it. As an adoptive parent, I thought that it would be Kellan asking why he wasn't my biological child in a few years. Isn't that what the adoption books say? The kids who are adopted are the ones who may feel left out? That's simply not the case here.
Ben has started asking about Kellan's adoption more often. The conversation usually starts with the picture of Kellan's foster mom on our fridge. "Why does he have three moms and I only get one?" or "Kellan has more than one mom that he lived with."
My thought is that this is Ben's way of sorting through all of the information that he hears fairly often about Kellan's adoption. There is a lot of attention that is spent on Kellan when we are in public. In the grocery store, we will hear He is ADORABLE! Where is he adopted from? and Oh my gosh! He is SO CUTE. When did he come home? The interesting thing is that I love to talk about Kellan's adoption. It is fascinating to me and I love to share a little information about Kellan being from South Korea with people who are genuinely (and I mean genuinely) interested in our story. I love that adoption is a part of our home, in people and animals.
And, obviously, Ben wants to be a part of that story too.
So, I'm going to start telling him more about his birth story. I'm going to put together a photo book with ultrasound pics and baby shower pics, as well as the pictures from his first week. We're going to talk about how Mom couldn't have any more babies in her belly because it was broken after he was born. We're going to talk about how Mom and Dad had SO much love for him that we knew we wanted to find another baby for our family to love him too, which led us to adoption. He was a part of this, which is not hard to talk about.
The sad thing is that I will never be able to create this same type of book for Kellan. I only have two pictures of him before he was 4 months old, and then only about 25 until he was 10 months old. But, it is something. I just wish that I knew more information behind the pictures! I hate to create ideas behind the pictures when I don't know.
Jen, Miles has similar feelings as Ben. He wants more moms, too! I think talking about his birth more is a great idea. I found this company online that you can make board books with if you want me to share. We don't know much about Ada's first year either, but did come up with a story to put in a board book to start the conversation. I actually run it by our adoption therapist to be sure it is age appropriate and promotes all the good emotional stuff we want. I'd be happy to send you the template for the adoption story if you like. Seems like all the "big" questions start at age four - so complicated talking about birth and death and adoption and divorce...I know I've already bungled some conversations, badly. But I think it is always good to be open.
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