Heavy Heart

I've had it. I'm done with the ups and downs of my weight loss. If you've been reading my blog for the past few years, you are familiar with my battle. And that is what it is, a battle. I don't seem to struggle with the actual weight loss part of the equation. I'm pretty good at it once I put my mind to it. But, the major struggle for me is the maintenance of all of it. I was on the right track last year. I even made goal at Weight Wa#tchers in March 2010. I felt on top of the world! I ran three half-marathons last year (well, two full ones and a 20K) and I could miraculously pull out my summer clothing and know that all of it would fit with some room to move. Fast forward to now . . . and that is not the case.

Over the past year, a lot has happened beyond Kellan's adoption. And it has not been easy for me. I fell into a "funk" for about 10 months. I didn't really have a passion for anything, even running or my family (pretty much the two main things that define ME). I didn't stop running, but I wasn't putting forth much effort to train for events. Things used to excite me ~ like a new book I wanted to read, online shopping, going to dinner or a movie, or doing something fun with the kids ~ but, none of this excited me during that time period. In fact, it had the complete opposite effect on me ~ I complained and basically said "I DON'T WANT TO!" Work also had its complications ~ with one major event in the spring that almost completely devastated me professionally. In other words, there was not one aspect of my life that I was doing well with. And I felt like a failure, and acted like one too.

If you know me IRL, this is very unlike me. I am typically a very confident, non-teary, excitable and talkative person. I keep myself decent looking and take pride in my efforts. This has not been the case in the past year.

I have gained 22 pounds.

And I hate that fact. I hate even having to type that sh*t.

Thankfully, around the later part of May, things got a lot better. Within a few weeks, I felt myself coming out of my funk ~ happy ~ yet apologetic to those who had to deal with me during this time. Some people experience this type of "unveiling" feeling and I never believed it. I was ashamed that it happened to me. Terrified that it might not be a permanent change, is more like it. Do you know when you are the crazy lunatic? I don't know what it was (does this need a label?), but I know that I haven't looked back since then. I'm back on the "wagon" (if that wagon is made of low-fat, power foods), but still treat myself one day a week. Ben even calls it Donut Day. Hey, don't judge. Donuts are a treat that I still want to enjoy and they are a delicious part of life. If Ben grows up knowing that he can't eat donuts every day, then I have done my job as Super Mom.

So, here we are. Back here again, yet happy. But, I'm just ecstatic to be back here again even if it is in double-digit pant size!